I (M24) have been dating a girl (F21) from one of my classes for about 3 months. We both attend a top-tier university. I'm in the first year of my PhD and she's a senior in undergrad, but we're only about 2 years apart. The class we met in has both undergrad and grad students.
Before coming to this school last year, I graduated from a state school in 2019. I did pretty well there. After that, I earned my master's degree at an Ivy League. It was really difficult, especially my thesis. But I actually ended up getting an award for best thesis. And now I'm earning my doctorate at another top school, which is where we met.
Fast forward to now. In the class we're both in, I am doing poorly and she is doing well. We have to write papers, and I consistently rank in the bottom of the class (meaning worse than many of the undergrads) and she consistently ranks in the top (the professor posts the distribution of grades, but not names). One night we are hanging out, and we get the notification that grades have been released for the last assignment. Once again, I did really poorly and she did really well. Unexpectedly, I start to cry. I'm happy for her. But I spent so many hours on this paper. I had people proofread it. I went to the writing center. I get great grades on all of the other writing I'm doing in other classes. I just can't crack the code for this one, and I'm frustrated.
In an attempt to comfort me, she talks about all of the rigorous writing that the university requires for undergrads. That makes sense to me. Where she loses me is when she spends about 5 minutes going on about how 'I couldn't have expected to keep up with the students [at the elite university] with what I learned at [state school].' This really upsets me. It seems elitist and out of touch with the fact that real learning does happen outside of top universities. She also completely disregarded that I have the Ivy League degree, and am not a stranger to this level of rigor. I'm just frustrated with this class. I start to mention these points and she leaves mid-sentence saying I'm being 'hostile'.
When I go to take her home, we're both calm and I bring up the conversation again. This time she says that 'she didn't come to [our school] to be coddled. That she knows how to take criticism and become better. Not just get an A.' I'm dumbfounded. I don't just want an A. I want to know why I can get an A everywhere but this class.
It's been about a week and things are good between us, but I can't shake the feeling that she really doesn't think much of me because I didn't go to the same level of undergrad as her. And if that's what she thinks of me, and I'm a PhD student, what does she think of others who are haven't been afforded opportunities at all?
Am I reading too much into it?
tl;dr: elite undergrad gf says that my frustration over doing poorly means I want to be 'coddled,' and that my non-elite undergrad means I can't keep up
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