My boyfriend (21M) and I (20F) have been together for almost 3 months.
yesterday was just insane. from morning to night. i woke up early and on four hours of sleep to get ready for our date. i doordashed smoothies for us because i wanted him to try a different type of smoothie since he hated the one i told him to get last time. i was gonna bring cupcakes and i was the one who planned everything out because he’s been under a lot of stress lately. it took me two hours to get ready. i did my hair, makeup, chose an outfit, and was just so excited to see him.
he said he’d pick me up at 12 but he slept through and woke up at 1 to my phone call. he just apologized and went back to sleep. i was pissed off in the moment. i just felt like my time wasn’t being respected. he works the night shift and i even asked him what a good time would be for us to hangout. i asked if he would have enough sleep. and he made the timing plans. it just felt like he didn’t care about or value me at all. at this time, i decided to pick up my best friend and hangout with her instead. i was being petty through texts and when he woke up he apologized again and said he’ll make it up to me.
5 minutes after i received those texts, my car was keyed by a petty old man. apparently i was parked too close for his liking. i was parked pretty close but i was still able to get out as someone who is wider than this man. this man was like 55-65 years old, tall, and very skinny. if he has asked me to move it, i would’ve moved it for him. but instead he gave me a dirty look and was like “you couldn’t have parked any closer?”. i’m parked well inside the lines of the parking spot. maybe like 5 inches away from the inside part of the line. that dirty look and that comment made me not wanna move my car. so whatever 15 minutes later, me and my best friend leave and we see the scratches on my door. this old ass man really did all that for what? that’s something girls my age do to their cheating boyfriend’s car.
again, i wasn’t even parked that close. even when i called the cops, he told me my parking was completely fine and that guy was just being a dickhead. i was already having a shitty day from boyfriend not giving a fuck about our plans. and it just felt like everything was crumbling down on me. and i was texting him and telling him that i’m breaking down. he didn’t even care to text me back when i said that. he just said i’m sorry about your car and i wish i was there. i was thinking like “why isn’t he here?” my best friend’s boyfriend would’ve came here for her in a heartbeat. that’s just what i was thinking in the moment. he’s not even that far. maybe like 3 miles away.
so i text him and told him that i’ll be there at around 5 to talk to him. my best friend made me take her to target to pick up some things and she was taking so much longer than i anticipated. then she had to pick up something from her dad’s house then i had to drive her to her mom’s house. so i was 30 minutes late. after me being 5 minutes late, he was already calling and asking me where i’m at. i told him that i’d be there soon. and i called him back after 20 minutes had past and i told him that i’ll be a little more late because my best friend has to do something. he was like “why do you even wanna talk in person? why cant we just say it on the phone.” i just kept saying i wanted to talk in person and he was kinda taking up a rude tone with me. at this time, my friend came back into my car so i can drive her to her mom’s house. she heard how he was talking to me and it was just embarrassing.
i drop my best friend off and i go to his house which is like a mile away. when he first gets in the car, he’s smiling and trying to give me a hug. i was just pissed off and i told him everything that bothered me from today. the only part i admit to being messed up about was when i compared him to my best friend’s boyfriend. i just said i expected him to be there for me like he would’ve been for her. and he got really quiet as i just kept telling him what has been affecting me. after like 20 minutes, i’m like “why do you even want a girlfriend?” and he just abruptly says “i don’t. i’m done. i wanna break up.” and that just made my heart drop.
long story short, i had to beg him to stay to talk to me. all his family members got in their cars to wherever they were going. so i knew he was home alone. as he went back in the house, i was texting and calling him, begging for him to come back out so we can talk this through. he said there’s nothing left to talk about because he’s done with me for real this time. and i went down and knocked on his door and after 5 minutes, he came out. he kept trying to get me to leave. he even blocked my number right in front of me and told me go away for good. he tried to walk away and say he’s going on a walk and i told him i’m coming with him. he then told me this doesn’t have to be humiliating and told me to just walk away. i finally convinced him to go back in my car with me because at that moment we were on his front lawn arguing.
we get back to my car and he’s just telling me how i’m too emotional and how i drain him of his energy because of how much i expect from him. he says he’s not the type to be that invested and involved in a relationship and that he’ll never change and how i’ll never change so it’s the best for the both of us to stop talking. i was begging for him to give it another try and i told him that i’ll change and do whatever i gotta do to fix this. he kept yelling at me and telling me that he doesn’t love me anymore and how love can fade away instantly. he told me we weren’t even together for that long. he told me that i’m selfish and only care about my own feelings. he said he was tired of facetiming me for hours a day everyday. and the part that hurt me the most was him telling me that i’m not a kind or good person. i started crying and begging for him to not leave me. after like another 40 minutes, he agreed to unblocking my number and said things are gonna have to change. he saw that my parents were calling me and asking me about where i am because i was 30 minutes late. he said for me to call him at 9 because he wants to go to the gym.
9 comes around and he talks to me on the phone for about 30 minutes and he told me more about what he was thinking. it made a lot of sense honestly. he just said it’s not normal or healthy to be as clingy as i am. he told me that i shouldn’t base my relationship expectations from other people. and that i should get a life basically. it all makes sense. i know i’m very insecure in a relationship and that’s my fault. but i feel like what i got mad about yesterday was called for. and somehow he made me think it wasn’t. when he first answered the phone, he tells me that it makes him sick when i cry especially if it’s because of him. i think the crying is the only thing that made him reconsider tbh. he doesn’t do well with tears i think. but anyways, we facetimed for the rest of the night like normal and i fell asleep on facetime for the first time. he called me in the morning and we talked for 35ish minutes.
i cant believe i begged, cried, and kinda chased him down to come talk to me and take me back. this is a whole new level of low that i’ve ever been. i’m so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. i barely even recognize who i even am anymore. a few months ago, i would’ve never done shit like this. i just wasn’t ready to be abandoned. i hate myself. i really wish i was dead. everyone would be better off. that reminds me, he asked if i was gonna be suicidal over this and i told him that i can’t promise i’m not. and i told him “no i’m not saying i’m gonna kill myself if you leave me. i’m just saying i had a rough day and i can’t control any thoughts i have.” i told him many times that i wouldn’t ever kill myself because i’m afraid of the afterlife. i shouldn’t have responded that way though. i should’ve just said “no”. that was very manipulative on my end. but it was the truth. he knows i get those thoughts when things get tough. i just wish he never asked me that and i wish i didn’t give him that answer. i’m such an idiot. why am i doing this to myself.
TLDR: I’m too emotional, clingy, and sensitive for my boyfriend and yesterday he felt attacked when I was communicating things that were bothering me. He tried breaking up with me and I quite literally chased him down and begged him to stay with me. He said a lot of things like he doesn’t love me anymore and that i’m not a good person. I’m scared that he actually meant what he said. Idk how I let myself get to this point.
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