My partner and I are both monogamous and have been together about 2.5 years. She has some depression issues and her libido has really been suffering lately, which impacts me greatly (my love language need is physical touch). I had some insecurities from prior relationships (manipulative/cheated on), and the lack of libido really exacerbates these issues for me (this is my issue).
Situation: When we go out for drinks together with friends, she likes to let loose. This generally isn’t an issue, except she doesn’t know limits and at times she behaves in ways where it feels like she forgets I’m there or that I could leave and she wouldn’t notice.
I don’t have an issue with her getting drunk and dancing with our friends; I do have issues where she gets drunk and dances/touches strangers. Recently this happened and I made it clear it bothered me, but she was pretty drunk and continued dancing. She also ended up adding the person to her social media (which she doesn’t remember doing she says). A lot of the dancing bothers me because it seems like I’m not her default person to dance with/give affection to when we go out (an even bigger issue for me when physical touch is my love language need). I do feel that she likes attention from others and perhaps the validation from others (Ie she’s comfortable in our relationship); however, it totally crosses my boundaries when it’s from strangers. For me, it makes me feel like she wants that other person and isn’t interested or doesn’t desire me (this is part of my insecurity / resulting from the lack of libido).
I feel like a jerk because she always says she has so much fun after these nights out and I know she needs interaction with friends to “recharge”.
When we’re sober, this stuff isn’t really an issue (although I do think she still seeks that validation via social media… which isn’t my “thing”, so I have a hard time empathizing with). I have discussed some of these concerns with her and she says loves me, isn’t into an open relationship, and wants things to work with me. I do believe this from when she is sober, but when she is drinking it totally makes me question things. I would ask sober her to marry me tomorrow (and I do believe she wants to marry me/she says she sees a future with me), but I have a major issue with her when she drinks and it’s eroding trust.
Background: Drinking has been a concern from the start for us. We were doing long distance, and one of the first times I flew to visit her, she ended up “catching up with a friend”, which turned into too many drinks and her passing out and leaving me locked outside after a red-eye flight (she managed to wake up somehow and let me in).
Note: I have brought up my concerns about the drinking to her and she has admitted she has a hard time stopping when she starts. She is also on medications (anti depressants), which I think amplifies the effect of drinking. That said, her behaviour hasn’t changed, so I’m not sure she is ready to address it at all.
TLDR: partners behaviours when drinking crosses boundaries for me. How do i: 1. Rationalize this behaviour; and 2. Discuss this with her without her getting defensive (I don’t want to give an ultimatum)?
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